Wow. I really kind of wanted to almost like this movie. But it was even worse than I thought it would be. And that is saying something. What the fuck? Do Hollywood bigwigs really hate homosexuals so much that they would give this piece of crap Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain? It seems like people were so into the "message" of this film that they completely overlooked how ridiculous and contrived the movie actually was.
I don't really know where to start. What was the worst part of this movie?
Was it the laughable dialogue? The slow motion brilliance? The crazy coincidences? Oh my god! I loved that scene where Matt Dillon saved Thandie Newton from the burning car. What are the chances of that? Or what about Ryan Phillippe who was the good cop shooting the black carjacker with a heart of gold that he had picked up while hitchhiking? Or maybe when Don Cheadle's mother accuses him of being the reason that the previously mentioned carjacker had been killed?
Maybe it was when the Asian smuggler of immigrants tells his wife to cash the check for the immigrants because he was in the hospital after the carjackers ran him over? Or maybe it was when Matt Dillon told off the woman from Boston Public and then went onto a wonderful monologue about his hard working father? Or perhaps it was the Persian store owner trying to shoot the Latino repairman and then his five-year-old daughter rushing into his arms to save him because she thought that she had been given special powers to be protected from bullets the night before? Or maybe the following scene when the store owner confesses to his daugher that he shot a little girl but she was really his guardian angel but then we find out that she had filled his gun (the same gun that he was buying because he was robbed and where he was told off by a white store owner who called him Osama) with blanks.
Or maybe it was the car crashes that bookended the film where different people get to curse Asians for not knowing how to drive? Or maybe it was when Terrance Howard almost got shot in the driveway while one of the carjackers who had unsuccessfully tried to carjack him was hiding in his front seat? Perhaps it was Sandra Bullock (I think this was the first movie I've seen of hers since Speed and I'd really like someone to explain her appeal to me) slipping and falling down the stairs. Maybe it was the closing montage with the burning car? Or simply maybe it was Tony Danza.
Any which way you cut it, this movie is a complete joke. As Youthlarge asked, "This is a comedy, right?" Anyone who likes this movie, I have some serious reservations about your movie tastes. I really wish that I had seen this last year because it definitely would have been my least favorite film of 2005. I'm cracking up as I type this just thinking how bad this movie was. What a joke!
This movie makes Magnolia look subtle. The only thing this movie has in its favor compared to that film was that, at least, instead of frogs raining from the sky, we only had to suffer through a snowstorm in Los Angeles. This movie makes the dance piece at the Oscars with the burning car seem artistic.
For a great piece about why this movie sucks, check this out.
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