Sunday, May 14, 2006


Wow. I really kind of wanted to almost like this movie. But it was even worse than I thought it would be. And that is saying something. What the fuck? Do Hollywood bigwigs really hate homosexuals so much that they would give this piece of crap Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain? It seems like people were so into the "message" of this film that they completely overlooked how ridiculous and contrived the movie actually was.

I don't really know where to start. What was the worst part of this movie?

Was it the laughable dialogue? The slow motion brilliance? The crazy coincidences? Oh my god! I loved that scene where Matt Dillon saved Thandie Newton from the burning car. What are the chances of that? Or what about Ryan Phillippe who was the good cop shooting the black carjacker with a heart of gold that he had picked up while hitchhiking? Or maybe when Don Cheadle's mother accuses him of being the reason that the previously mentioned carjacker had been killed?


Maybe it was when the Asian smuggler of immigrants tells his wife to cash the check for the immigrants because he was in the hospital after the carjackers ran him over? Or maybe it was when Matt Dillon told off the woman from Boston Public and then went onto a wonderful monologue about his hard working father? Or perhaps it was the Persian store owner trying to shoot the Latino repairman and then his five-year-old daughter rushing into his arms to save him because she thought that she had been given special powers to be protected from bullets the night before? Or maybe the following scene when the store owner confesses to his daugher that he shot a little girl but she was really his guardian angel but then we find out that she had filled his gun (the same gun that he was buying because he was robbed and where he was told off by a white store owner who called him Osama) with blanks.

Or maybe it was the car crashes that bookended the film where different people get to curse Asians for not knowing how to drive? Or maybe it was when Terrance Howard almost got shot in the driveway while one of the carjackers who had unsuccessfully tried to carjack him was hiding in his front seat? Perhaps it was Sandra Bullock (I think this was the first movie I've seen of hers since Speed and I'd really like someone to explain her appeal to me) slipping and falling down the stairs. Maybe it was the closing montage with the burning car? Or simply maybe it was Tony Danza.

Any which way you cut it, this movie is a complete joke. As Youthlarge asked, "This is a comedy, right?" Anyone who likes this movie, I have some serious reservations about your movie tastes. I really wish that I had seen this last year because it definitely would have been my least favorite film of 2005. I'm cracking up as I type this just thinking how bad this movie was. What a joke!

This movie makes Magnolia look subtle. The only thing this movie has in its favor compared to that film was that, at least, instead of frogs raining from the sky, we only had to suffer through a snowstorm in Los Angeles. This movie makes the dance piece at the Oscars with the burning car seem artistic.


For a great piece about why this movie sucks, check this out.



youthlarge said...

this was the biggest joke of a film i've ever seen. i guess if it hadn't won best picture or had been nominated, all this wouldn't matter. but it somehow did and i'm scratching my head trying to figure out how and why. my only guess is that hollywood chose simply for the fact that they can now look back and pat themselves on the back for tackling such a heady issue, for being so brave, as matt soller zeits ( i know i spelled that wrong) wrote.

thenoiseboy said...

Worst. Film. Of. 2005. For. Sure.

I had many an argument with my signif about this, too. Which baffles my mind, because she's usually the one with superior taste in film.

weasel said...

On the plus side, you do get to see Jennifer Esposito's boobies, something I've been waiting for since Spin City.

planbreaker said...

No defense of the movie from me. I thought it was laughable, and then I felt sad that racism is all about people yelling racist epithets when they're angry about something else.

Chris Larry said...

"signif" thats as hysterical as Crash

I am a prophet against this movie BUT Weasel is right Jennifer Esposito's boobs are sweet!

Listy I am so glad your not being all contrarian and liking this movie....

The Hater

crashfan23 said...

My favorite part was all the fucking in automobiles.

Jim said...

You got me laughing with your laundry list of all the stupid, shitty scenes that made up this movie. I can't believe how bad it was. But I guess this is what happens when the vast majority of Hollywood movies are unapologetically mindless crap and the vast majority of Americans never go see independent films: people get tricked into thinking that a pretentious, laughably overwrought, "message" movie without a real message is somehow meaningful and profound.

country mouse said...

Thank you for being so insulting- not only to the makers of this film (but who really cares about them) but to all of us who actually walked away with something a "little" more positive then you. I know that you and your posse have pretty strong opinions about your likes and dislikes, and this is your blog, a perfect place to post them - but it sucks when you read a review such as this that makes "the rest of us" out to be total, tasteless, assholes.

Listmaker said...

you're welcome.

but i disagree that i call people who like this movie assholes or tasteless. i do question one's tastes for liking it but so be it. rather than a scathing personal attack on me, how about a spirited defense of the movie instead?

country mouse said...

Scathing personal attack? Wow. You want to rant about things you don't like... great. I was only commenting that by bringing in the "serious reservations about others taste" it makes something, that could otherwise be amusing, insulting. As for a spirited defense, I didn't like the movie enough, nor do I remember the details, to deliver such a thing.

weasel said...

In defence of both my wife CM and my friend Listmaker:

I know both of you to be thoughtful, vastly intelligent, and caring folks so I would request the following be read with those three faculties very much to the fore. Listo, your review was well written, well argued, and forceful; so forceful in fact I can see why CM felt like you were lumping people who either quite enjoyed this movie or didn't mind it in with the great moronic lumpen herd. As for a scathing personal attack, it reads to me as if CM was trying to express her how your review made her feel about herself rather than go for your jugular. Such is the problem with written communication; without intonation everyone is damningly free to phrase statements in the tone of voice of their choosing (which is often well at odds with the one used by one's interlocutor). Perhaps the same statement can be applied to the way you intended your review to be read and the way it sounded in others' heads.

I'm obviously a cinematic thickie, but I quite enjoyed Crash- not as a searing social indictment but as a drama no more silly or contrived than any Greek tragedy (although I doubt Paul Haggis intended Ludacris to serve as a deus ex machina). Graham Greene used to divide his fiction books into two categories; novels and entertainments. I think some people who liked Crash recognized it as an "entertainment", whatever the pretentions of the director. Perhaps- given the arching dialogue and the fortuitous plot twists- Crash would have been better as an episode of Homicide.

I also liked your review. I'm a fan of polemical writing, especially around cultural issues, and after years in broadcasting being told that my expressing a fondness for this Hollywood silly mutton dressed up as meaningful lamb would lead you to have "serious reservations" about my taste is really water off my back. But for other folks I can see how such a sweeping statement would leave a sour taste in the mouth. Such is the peril of staking out such positions.

Anyway, lets all be chums, eh? There are too many Yankees fans in the world for the good guys to be fighting among themselves.

Listmaker said...

country mouse,

you are right - the words scathing personal attack weren't on the mark. but i guess i did react strongly when you said that i was calling people who didn't like it total, tasteless assholes. i did no such thing. blogs are a way to get one's thoughts out and if i didn't choose my words well, then i apologize. i also think that if you knew me, you wouldn't have reacted in quite the same way. but then again, maybe you would have - i don't know because i don't know you all that well.

what i do know is that i love discourse on things and am curious why people like this movie. i am perplexed. if i say something sucks and people like it, i feel that i am respectful enough to listen to differing opinions and perhaps change mine. to be accused of being so insulting rubbed me the wrong way. confront me on my opinion on the movie rather than just telling me what a jerk i am. and when people write things with quotation marks like "the rest of us" it usually means to me, at least, a pointed message. but maybe that is just me. i didn't intend to be dividing in an us against them sort of way and if my review unfairly seemed to lump you into some undefined other, that was not my intention.

weasel, good points. you are a good peacemaker. i do agree that the written word can be dangerous and if we were discussing this over a pint, we'd all be laughing by the end. or perhaps thinking about jennifer esposito's breasts.

country mouse said...

I'm sorry that I put you on the defensive. I tend to speak from a place of emotion and not reason which makes things sound more inflammatory then they are intended. For that I apoligize. And you're right - I should have just buried you with my own kick ass review but I didn't because calling people names is easier. I'm just about to graduate from Jr. High - so maybe next time.
Peace- Happy Baseball.

Listmaker said...

cool. instead of arguing next time, we'll just get together to cut up mondale.